Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
