mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
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