Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Randomize
