can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
