I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
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