we're chasing vodka with high fives
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
