I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
