Will you blow on my dice?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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