FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
