whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Randomize
