What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
