HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
