you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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