I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
