also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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