I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
