frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
