Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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