I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
Randomize
