Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
your room smells of hookers.
And success
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
