bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
