Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
