Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
This just in: Jon Gosselin's address-The Alexandra. I bet if we showed up he'd date us.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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