WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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