come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
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