Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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