so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Randomize
