for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
