I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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