i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Boobs are out for the taking
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
