i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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