I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
