my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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