so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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