If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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