my mouth tastes like poor choices
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
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