A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Hot guy, man whore rep, huge crush, alcohol that will fuck you up. I fail to see how this could go wrong
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
