i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
