god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
