you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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