you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
