Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
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