you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
