I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
