She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I didn't notice because vodka
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Randomize
