hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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