see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The uberlube is also flammable
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Bring me that man meat
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
