I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
