If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Randomize
