I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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