Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Randomize
