now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
