Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
