dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
