you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
