I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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