She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
