Betty ford says i'm here all night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
should my penis look like a turkey
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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