im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Randomize
