I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
